Waiting for my 30's

I can’t wait until I’m thirty when it’s just socially acceptable not to have friends. I genuinely think it’s the best time to be alive. Also, it's best time to make jokes about valium. A twenty year old making jokes about taking valium is just sad when there are so many trendy, cosmopolitan drugs out there. It’s all so fast fashion these days.

I can only imagine how amazing being in your thirties is because being in your twenties is terrible. Friends made it look cool, but it’s just a decade of you lying to yourself about all that energy you think you have. I know I should be going out and stuff because the night is young and shit and I won’t ever get these years to enjoy my youth ever again, but honestly, good riddance.

It’s to the point where I don’t know if it’s PMS or depression.

Being thirty means when I get home from work, all I would have to care about is the cat that hates me like a 1950s housewife who hates her life because she’s trapped in a marriage to a man that has the financial burden which manifests into a drinking problem that society normalizes because it’s the 1950s.

Ahhh…the 1950s: the golden age for America!

No kidding though, I cannot wait to be thirty. It's when you've finally realized plans are for idiots and the sweatpants you bought from Costco is easily the best splurge you’ve made since you bought that seven-dollar wine last month. That you finished that night.

I’m not actually in my twenties just yet though. I’m just twenty, period. I’m still Maria in Sound of Music when she’s singing “I have confidence” even before she has seen the big ass mansion. Twenty-nine is when Maria finally gets married and shit goes real World War II.

I will be forever in awe of Maria after she got married because when things were going terrible within her first few weeks of her marriage, she just plowed through like the boss she was. I would have just been wondering the whole time if this was God smiting me because I decided not to be a nun any more to get laid. Think about it: she got married, left the abbey and immediately she got seven kids and became an official fugitive. And to top it all off, she got a husband who has no top lip!

Jesus is a petty man. Think about that the next time you go to church.

“Oh hey. Long time no see. Oh, what have I been doing? Nothing really, just dead because of your sin. But yeah, no I’m doing good, yeah. Just bleeding everywhere but nothing a little nail can’t stop.”

“Oh yeah sure, eat my skin. Not like I need it or anything. Cause I’m dead. Oh yeah, drink my blood to wash my skin down your gullet. Yeah, hope you enjoy that football game when you get home. I’ll be here. On the cross. Bleeding and shit.”

He actually said that.

Jesus and I would have been best friends. Except for the fact that I'm Hindu. I think we would just be that odd-couple, best-friend duo that banter a lot. Very Shawn'n'Gus-esque.